Following your dreams sucks

Thanks to the digitization of our world and the constant pressure to make everything more accessible and online, we’re offered opportunities to better ourselves on the daily. With ad placements on our social media, affiliate links in the articles and blog posts we write and read, with the cookies that follow us wherever we go, we get profiled more than the unsubs of Criminal Minds.

Trust me, we’re more predictable than we’d like to admit. Unless you’re skilled with coding or just incredibly paranoid and wipe every virtual surface you touch every time you go online, there are traces of you that tells you who you are. We’re being watched by our virtual mother hen at this very moment, and she collects your preferences and your info to get a better idea of who you are, so she can tell you who you are.

If you live in a borderline peaceful country with a somewhat stable government and have some sort of education, you’re probably fortunate enough to access the Internet at your leisure. We have every opportunity within our reach. That’s too much to handle

With all the opportunities the online word offer, I’m sorry to tell you we still inhabit corporeal bodies in a four-dimensional dimension. As long as we do that, we have to abide to some of the laws that preside over the specific part of the dimension we reside in, and that means we have to break down our existence to regional legal and social systems.

That sucks! I understand the need to avoid chaos and anarchy, but we’re fighting a losing war here. You’ve got to be more or less online to remain relevant in today’s world.

Building a blog and a life

Despite our online presence that’s available on a global scale at every second of every day; despite our bodies being mere shells for our divine souls, if that’s something you believe in; despite everything we might be able to achieve online, we’re going to have to find a way to balance these two different identities.

We have to be able to separate our online and offline lives and the two corrolating identities, and understand our responsibilities in both states.

It’s a tricky business.

Let me give you a for instance. When I sit down and start to write, I feel like I make sense. I feel like I revert to my natural state, and I don’t have to think about what I do and how I do it. I don’t have to wonder if I’m wasting my time.

When I write, I can make sense of my world. I don’t doubt the reason for my existence. I just am.

When I sit down to write, it’s like my hands knows how to form the sentences and braid together the words my brain has been looking for. My mouth has no clue what words I want to use. I’m not a great speaker, I get lost in my thoughts, and analyze every words I say out loud. Speech isn’t fast enough to match thought. But my hands, these incredible things that type like a motherfucker right now, they just know, and they find and they spit them out like their lives depend on it.

But living it? Oy vey.

I have no idea what I’m doing. Is it just me, or does everyone feel like they’re kids pretend to be grown ups? I’m basically the same person as I was ten years ago. I just get to drink and drive (not at the same time, obviously), and I’m way more tired now. My body has aged, but in my mind, I’m still the same dreamer that holds a romanticized and idealized view of the world.

That’s my point. When you set up your blog and tries to make sense of it, everyone keeps telling you you need to have an online presence. And you do, that’s true. But you can’t become a ghost, either. You’re not just a blogger. You’re a person too. And persons like you have to pay taxes and get oxygen, to narrow it down a bit. You have to have an offline presence, too.

Living on- and offline

It’s a struggle to keep both of these presences in an equally good state. The laws of physics teaches us there is the same amount of matter in the universe at all times, it just changes shape. Maybe it’s impossible to manage a growing blog and an offline life at the same time. I still have no idea what I’m doing.

As a functioning adult, you’re expected to handle yourself and your scheduling. You’re supposed to know what to do when your life seems to be going nowhere. It’s presumed you’re an excellent planner who can handle the mixture of online and offline, body and mind, regional and global.

It’s expected, it’s presumed. But life only makes sense to me when I write, and though I’m urged to follow my dreams, society keeps telling me – and us – that we should fit into the molds it offers. We shouldn’t try to make our own.

We are, after all, just kids. And mother knows best.

It sucks to try to make your dreams come true. You have to work so hard for something that might fail entirely. It definitely adds some pressure when you live in the belief that your reason for existing might be crushed by a) not trying hard enough, b) a society that won’t accept that kind of lifestyle or c) things just not going your way despite you doing everything right.

However, I’m used to having to claw my way to what I want, and I’ll be damned if I give up yet. But I’m getting older, and more tired, and though my dreams remain young and online, sometimes it feels like something in me has had enough, and just wants to go offline and do as I’m told.

I’ve never been good at doing what I’m told. Sorry, mom.

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